DEAR NAMIBIA,

2010-06-04T23:07:00.001-04:00

Dear Planet Fitness,

I'm a little creeped out. Both by the speed of your comment. And also the existence of it in general. Do you get notified every time a lowly blog mentions your name?

Can you give me a discount?
r

2010-06-04T09:53:00.002-04:00

Dear Planet Fitness,

Nice to join your team of gym-goers! Well, I HALF joined.... Ok, let's just say when I visited you the other day I expressed some very strong interest in joining.

That's a good first step, right?!

See you again soon?
r

2010-05-28T11:26:00.002-04:00

Dear Commuters of America,

Get off the highway! Here I come! For the first time in 3 years... I will be driving on a U.S. highway.

Seriously, be careful.

Love,
r

Dear County Cops and State Troopers,

Pleeeease cut me some slack. I'm trying so so hard!

Love,
r

2010-05-26T10:23:00.002-04:00

Dear Heinously large/LOUD bug in my room last night,

You were silent for the first 30 minutes I was in bed and then RIGHT as I was about to fall asleep you start BUZZING around! And incidentally, your buzzing sounds a lot like my phone vibrating so I kept waking up to check it. Then back to sleep again. Then buzz again. Sleep. Buzz. Sleep. Buzz. Sleepbuzzsleepbuzzzz.

You know what I have to say to you, Mister?!!? I love you. I could just close my eyes and feel like I was in Namibia all over again.

Thanks for the throwback,
r

2010-05-25T07:40:00.001-04:00

Dear 90-year old man,

Are we wearing the same shoes?! This is NOT good. The worst part? I have to wear these Shape-ups for at least the next 10 years of my life to get every penny out of them. Who pays that much for HEINOUS sneakers?! (And when I say "pay" I mean both in dollars and in pride.)

Just me,
r

2010-05-13T22:44:00.002-04:00

Dear Self,

Write less about tampons.

You're in America now. There are boundaries. Etiquette. Appropriate and inappropriate things to talk about. You're probably not so aware of any of these things. You should Google it.

Love,
r

2010-05-13T22:43:00.001-04:00

Dear Male friend,

When your mom comes downstairs at 3 in the morning to yell at you for being too loud-- that is NOT the right time to ask her if she has a tampon your friend can use.

But thanks for trying,
r

2010-05-13T13:10:00.002-04:00

Dear Girl I met in the bathroom last night,

Remember when I asked you for a tampon and in response you told me your life story? And then tried to give me a condom?

NOT helpful, nor interesting.

Thanks for nothing,
r

2010-05-12T13:35:00.003-04:00

Dear Skechers Shape-ups,

I don't feel like I'm having a mini-workout every time I wear you. You're supposed to simulate walking on sand? I WALKED ON REAL SAND FOR TWO YEARS, BITCH!

This shit's bogus,
r

2010-05-08T19:10:00.001-04:00

Dear Parents,

WHEN DID YOU STOP CONSUMING A NORMAL AMOUNT OF FOOD?! We have NO food in our house. You're making it very hard to break my Cracklin' Oat Bran habit.

A bowl of lettuce does NOT count as a full lunch.

I'm so hungry,
r

2010-05-07T13:32:00.002-04:00

Dear Future Employer,

First of all, that application was WAY INTENSE considering I'm only applying to be a server! I didn't know there was going to be a pop quiz.

Second of all, not even GOOGLE knows what "french spooning" is! I'm not entirely convinced you didn't make it up. But also, I think considering I had no idea what it is, I answered the question prrretty well!

My answer looked something like this:

Hire me anyway?

Kthanks,
r

2010-05-07T12:29:00.003-04:00

Dear Mom,

I was just going through all the crap that you've put in my old room while I've been gone for the past two+ years-- and guess what I found buried under everything, all crumpled and wrinkled. My college diploma.

It looks like I graduated from Homeless University.

Thanks,
r

2010-05-06T14:07:00.001-04:00

Dear Self,

I know you LOVE Cracklin' Oat Bran cereal. And that you haven't had it ONCE in the past 2.5 years. But that doesn't mean you can eat it for THREE MEALS A DAY. Today's the last day, ok?

Love,
r

P.S. Ok, TOMORROW'S the last day. Saturday at the very latest. Monday? We'll play it by ear.

2010-05-03T15:11:00.003-04:00

Dear Wedding Bartender,

Thanks for serving me! I would have understood if you didn't. Seeing as when you asked how old I was my response was "Um, 21! No wait! 24!" And I didn't have any id on me. More than a little suspicious, I'd say. (For the record, I AM of legal drinking age.)

But thanks for the trust, old man.

'Preciate it,
r

2010-05-01T12:16:00.002-04:00

Dear Monkey Bar,

Thank you for hosting the push-up competition that took place on your premises. I did THREE TIMES as many push-ups as I thought I could do. (Read: I thought I could only do one push-up, and I did THREE!)

And I promise, next time I challenge my brother to a push-up competition (that I will obviously lose-- he did 50), I'll try to arrange the event NOT in the middle of your bar.

Thanks for being a good sport,
r

2010-05-01T12:05:00.002-04:00

Dear First Public Toilet Experience I've Had Since I've Been Back,

You were.... AWESOME!!! I didn't have to ask anyone if there was toilet paper in there because I already knew there would be. I wasn't surprised by a squat toilet. I could put the toilet paper IN the toilet. It flushed. It flushed without me having to pour a bucket of water into the bowl. God, you were great!

THANK YOU,
r

2010-04-28T10:12:00.002-04:00

Dear Self,

I know you just got home and all but you need to keep yourself in check. No one wants to hear about how much you love wall-to-wall carpeting and how much you've missed it these past 2+ years.

Who gets that excited about carpeting?

Just you,
r

P.S. But it IS pretty spectacular, isn't it?! It keeps your toesies so warm!! I'm going to go ahead and say: You're not a developed country unless your houses have wall-to-wall carpeting. It's THAT good.

2010-04-28T10:08:00.001-04:00

Dear Friends,

I'm so so broke. But I still want to hang out. And my natural inclination is to say "Hey, let's get together for some drinks." But you can go ahead and assume by "drinks" I mean "water." Because that's about the only thing that falls into my budget these days.

Love ya,
r

2010-04-26T14:38:00.003-04:00

Dear Maryland,

You are FREEZING! I'm wearing sweatpants, a sweater, AND a jacket.

And I'm indoors.

Florida, here I come!
r

2010-04-26T14:26:00.002-04:00

Dear Tiny, little computer,

I looooove you. YOU'RE PINK! But also, your keyboard is so so small. I feel like I'm just punching keys and sometimes getting lucky with the right letter.

You make me feel like my fingers need to go on a diet,
r

2010-04-26T14:13:00.001-04:00

Dear America,

YOU HAVE RESEALABLE CHIP BAGS NOW?! (That's new, right?)

This is an America I can really get behind.

Love,
r

2010-04-25T22:38:00.001-04:00

Dear America,

You have so much to offer! Top of the list of things to be excited about: I can drink tap water again!

It's the little things,
r

2010-04-25T22:37:00.002-04:00

Dear Lady in the wrong spot at the wrong time,

Sorry I ran over your foot with my 823473827 ton luggage cart. I mean, I'm just estimating the weight, but I think it's preeeetty close to accurate. So I can imagine the pain you must be in right now.

Hope they don't have to amputate!
r

2010-04-24T06:02:00.002-04:00

Dear Self,

Holy crapola you're so excited! The first time in America in 2.5 years! Hope they are ready for your big debut tomorrow!! You can measure the excitement by use of exclamation marks!!! So many exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,
r

P.S. After over 4 months of drinking bottled water you screw up THE DAY BEFORE you're supposed to get on a 31 hour flight and drink the tap water. You better cross your fingers you don't vom on the plane. (Maybe ask everyone else to keep their fingers crossed also. After all, it's for the good of the whole plane.)

2010-04-22T07:08:00.002-04:00

Dear Anyone who needs a Doctor AND/OR a Massage,

THIS FISH IS FOR YOU!!:

You're welcome for the rec,
r

2010-04-22T06:27:00.003-04:00

Dear Cambodia,

I've seen a lot of not-so-helpful signs in my life. (Mostly in the past two years.) But this one might take the cake:

Thanks for telling me how to get to "this way."

Love,
r

2010-04-22T05:38:00.003-04:00

Dear Street Kid,

I can't believe I fell for the ole "What's that on your shirt?" trick!!! But more importantly, I can't believe a 12-year-old street kid flicked me on my nose!

WHO ARE YOU?!
r

2010-04-21T23:05:00.002-04:00

Dear Fanta,

I would just like to raise your attention to a little thing in your industry called FALSE ADVERTISING. I'm referring to the can of Fanta I bought yesterday that was a dark purple and had pictures of blueberries on it. My thoughts? "YUM! Blueberry Fanta?!"

No. It was root beer.

Fix it,
r

2010-04-18T03:18:00.004-04:00

Dear Man who offered to sell me cocaine last night,

Not if my life depended on it.

I can't even drink coffee without tripping out. I can't imagine what a real upper would do to my system.

Smell ya later,
r

2010-04-17T01:03:00.001-04:00

Dear Woman who sold me a dress (ok, TWO dresses... and a shirt) at the market,

I like you. Mostly because after I handed you the money you said "Cambodia is glad you are here!" Of course Cambodia is glad. I have ZERO impulse control. What country/shop owner doesn't love that?

You're welcome,
r

2010-04-15T22:52:00.002-04:00

Dear Guy at the bar,

I've never had anyone buy me a shot because I looked so unhappy before. But god, that was a loooong day. I WAS TIRED, OK?!

Also, that shot was HEINOUS. I know you bought it because it was pink but I guess that isn't always the best way to go, huh? It tasted like burning asshole.

But seriously, thanks. It was nice of you to try and brighten the lives of 4 tired-looking girls.

Next time make it a tequila shot,
r

2010-04-15T22:45:00.002-04:00

Dear Lady who tried to give us directions,

I'm going to go ahead and say: Nice try but there were some major flaws in your delivery.

Flaw #1: You didn't use any words.

Flaw #2: I have NO idea what you mean.

But actually maybe I do. Tell me if I'm correct. From what I understand from your hand motions, I'm supposed to dance in a circle three times and then fly directly upwards and to the left?

Yes?
r

2010-04-14T10:30:00.002-04:00

Dear Skin,

I'm sorry I've done this to you. You really don't react to third degree [sun]burns very well.

All I have to say is: Thank god your peeling on my stomach and not on my face because it looks like I have some sort of heinous skin disease.

Is this what it feels like to be Michael Jackson?

Too soon?
r

2010-04-14T10:22:00.002-04:00

Dear War Remnants Museum,

Gosh you were heavy. I was NOT prepared for that. I thought it was going to be like the last Vietnam-American War museum we went to-- just a couple pictures of smiling soldiers and some old bullet displays.

Not at all.

It was like walking through the Holocaust Museum. But worse. Because this time WE were the Germans.

It's a little hard to take it all in,
r

2010-04-12T05:57:00.003-04:00

Dear Mr. T,

First of all, your name was taken a long, long time ago by someone who pulled it off much better than you, an old, skinny Vietnamese man (arguably wearing a toupee), with one piece of bling on his finger.

Second of all, there WASN'T a toilet on that 16 hour bus ride. So I guess it wasn't such a silly question after all, jerk.

Third of all, don't call me "baby."

Please go away,
r

2010-04-12T05:27:00.006-04:00

Dear Computer next to the one I'm using right now,

I know you're probably a bajillion203948203948 times faster than this one. (I'm basing that on the fact that it looks like you weren't mass produced in 1982 like this one does.) And honestly I'm really tempted to switch over (it took about 3 minutes to type this sentence). But I saw some lady using you to Google "Scabies" yesterday and I don't wanna eff around with that shit.

No hard feelings, k?
r

P.S. I haven't told anyone else about your possible contamination. That way you won't be ignored and my slow computer is always free. Win-win!!

2010-04-12T05:23:00.002-04:00

Dear Reststop toilet,

I know you probably think I'm hating on you because you were a squat toilet. I'm not. I've gotten pretty damn good at those. But when there's a faucet handle directly in the path of the downward trajectory of your squat... that's different. And when that faucet handle is shaped more like a razor-sharp knife... that's WAY different.

My left cheek will never be the same,
r

2010-04-08T10:07:00.002-04:00

Dear Sun,

You win again, El Sol, you sneaky bitch. IT WAS CLOUDY. Hence the reason I didn't wear any sunblock. But sunny enough to wear shades evidently. I look like a raccoon. And I can see it on everyone's face as I walk by.

I'll get you back. One day.

Somehow,
r

2010-04-08T10:04:00.003-04:00

Dear Heinous Bitches on the one free computer provided by our hotel,

If you KNOW someone is waiting to use the computer COMMON COURTESY dictates that you GET THE HELL OFF. ASAP. You do NOT use the computer for 30 minutes and then scoot over and let your friend use it for another 30 minutes.

You wasted and hour of my life and I hate you,
r

2010-04-08T09:57:00.000-04:00

Dear 6-year old Vietnamese girl,

Thanks so much for (very forcibly) sharing your popcorn with me. But that one that fell on the floor and that other one that you already put in your mouth-- you can keep those.

Also, even though I'm pretty sure they were supposed to be "love pats"-- stop hitting me! I've got a wicked sunburn and that shit hurts! Or maybe you were learning to hit like those Vietnamese men on the bus. Were you trying to tell me to move my leg?

Hitting is not the answer,
r

2010-04-05T12:46:00.003-04:00

Dear Plastic Awning,

Remember when I almost died!?! You were the only thing between me and that spazzed out electrical wire that fell directly above my head.

Thank you FOR SAVING MY LIFE,
r

2010-04-05T12:14:00.002-04:00

Dear Other women on that 24 hour bus ride,

Seeing as there are no public toilets on the route from Laos to Vietnam I think we really all share a unique bond now. Never before (and hopefully never again-- but that's probably asking for too much) have I peed in a row of 6 women against the side of a building.

Thank god it was moderately dark out,
r

2010-04-05T12:08:00.002-04:00

Dear Vietnam,

Granted I've only known your people for a few days but I've already made some pretty solid observations.

1.) Your men have long, yellow fingernails. Gross.
2.) They smoke approximately 3475893475 packs of cigarettes a day. (No joke, they were smoking on the bus at 3 in the morning.And by the end of that 24 hour ride, that bus was one giant ash tray. Double gross.)
3.) When verbal communication fails (because obviously I don't speak Vietnamese), the next tactic in getting the message across is to hit. (To be fair though, the message you were trying to get across all three times this happened was "Move your leg" so it worked pretty well.)

That's about all,
r

2010-04-01T00:46:00.002-04:00

Dear Woman with the caged birds,

You told me if I set one of your birds free (for a fee, of course) I would have good luck. But then when I paid to do it... YOU opened the cage and set it free. Did you steal my good luck, bitch?!!?

Although to be fair, you look like you might need all the luck you can get:

No hard feelings,
r

2010-04-01T00:31:00.004-04:00

Dear Little Birdy,

YOU'RE WELCOME. You looked like this when I first met you:

But lo and behold! I parted with my 10,000 kips and set you free!!!

(I know you can't see yourself in that picture... turns out my picture-taking speed isn't quite as fast as I thought it was... you're just going to have to take my word for it, eh?)

Anyway, there you go. (If you're trained to fly back to that ho and get in your cage again, I'll kill you!)

Much love,
r

2010-04-01T00:26:00.002-04:00

Dear Self,

You didn't shed a tear while reading about the tragedies and tortures that occurred in Cambodia during the Khmer Rouge regime... but you turn on the waterworks when you watch the movie Hancock... What's wrong with you?!

You should get that shit checked out,
r

2010-03-30T22:37:00.002-04:00

Dear Old Monk ahead of me in line at the doctor,

After you left the bench to go into the doctor's office it was just me in that hallway. All alone. Sitting next to your bright orange bag.

I want to know so badly what you monks keep in your bags! All your earthly possessions consolidated in just one place. What do you carry around? Religious texts? Chapstick? The latest Us Weekly? What's in there?!?!?

No one would ever know if I took a peek... No one else was around... Just me...

AND I DIDN'T EVEN LOOK.

You're welcome,
r

2010-03-30T22:19:00.002-04:00

Dear Dr. Amone,

I thought you owned the guesthouse I'm currently staying in... so you can imagine my surprise when I showed up at the hospital and you were my doctor also.

Just one question: Was it really necessary for FIVE women to simultaneously try to look down my throat?

Thanks for the meds!
r

2010-03-30T22:00:00.002-04:00

Dear Family that owns our guesthouse,

Cutest.Family.Ever. I love the fact that each and every time Jill steps outside the room you ask "How is your friend!?" and anytime I go outside (which is approximately less than or equal to one time a day) you ask "Fever!?" (even though fever was never an issue).

Also, as soon as I came back from the doctor you were all dying to know "Feeling better now?!" I wish medicine worked that quickly. But thanks for caring! You guys are sweet.

Love,
r

P.S. Can we have a discount on our room now? We've been there for like 8 nights and that shit's expensive. And you really, really like us, right?!!

2010-03-26T09:38:00.002-04:00

Dear Restaurant I ate breakfast in this morning,

I know I said I was going to start eating better this last month of our trip (I've got weddings to look great for, baby!) but I know YOU didn't know that. So when I asked for a side of bacon with my fruit and yogurt (I know, I know-- bacon isn't really diet-friendly... but bacon is NEVER on my "Do Not Eat" list. In fact it's the only thing that's permanently on my "Eat as much as you can of" list.)... Ugh, I'm getting off track (and not even completing sentences)...

My point is this: YOU ONLY BROUGHT ME ONE SLICE OF BACON?! Also, I realize that's a question and not a point. I get flustered when I talk about something I'm so passionate about. What was I saying?

God I love bacon,
r

2010-03-25T04:20:00.002-04:00

Dear Well-loved Reef flip flops,

If something doesn't even cover the bottom of your foot anymore, are you still allowed to call it a shoe? I know there are already holes in your soles, but I'm gonna need you to hold on for... 4 more weeks.

Thanks!
r

P.S. On the plus side, it's only the left flop that's holey. And it was the right flop that stepped in poo yesterday. Win!

2010-03-25T04:16:00.002-04:00

Dear America,

You know how I know I've been away too long? It's really weird to see people driving on the right side of the road again.

Streets of America: Beware!!!

Love,
r

P.S. SEE YOU SOON, EH?!

2010-03-25T04:11:00.003-04:00

Dear Lao Pharmacy,

For future reference: When someone asks you if you have any medicated shampoo for lice treatment, "MAGICAL CHALK STICKS" are not a good substitute.

Actually, I'd even go so far as to say when someone asks you for anything medical, magical ANYTHING is not a good substitute...

You can't be serious,
r

2010-03-25T04:00:00.003-04:00

Dear J,

Sorry you got head lice. It's a real bitch, eh? The itchy head, the sleepless nights/dreaming about lice crawling/hatching on your head, the louse poo under your fingernails when you itch your scalp... it's an uphill battle. Welcome to the fight!

Gross,
r

P.S. At least you didn't get a swollen rash on your neck and inflamed lymphnodes like I did! (Small victories...) This shit is real.

2010-03-23T10:09:00.001-04:00

Dear National Museum,

Hey, it's me again. I just forgot to mention: I really loved being called an "American Imperialist" throughout your entire exhibit. Really makes a gal feel special.

Imperially yours,
r

2010-03-22T23:16:00.002-04:00

Dear Lao Pharmacy,

All I wanted was some motion sickness medicine. (Because apparently now even the calmest bus rides make me want to vom all over the place--wtf!?) But it seems you don't know the word "motion." And also, debatable whether you knew the word "sickness." (You ARE a pharmacy right?)

I tried to explain what the medicine was used for: When you're in cars or buses or boats and they make you feel sick... "You have a headache?" No, not quite, but we're on the right track... ish.

You know when you're in a bus and you feel nauseous and dizzy? "Sore throat?" Ok, we're not on the right track anymore.

Thanks for trying,
r

2010-03-22T23:08:00.002-04:00

Dear Mixok Hostel Staff,

I guess I wasn't tooooo surprised when we showed up and you didn't have a room booked for us. Even though we called to reserve one last night.

Our first clue? When we made our booking you never asked for our name. Second clue? When we asked if you needed our names, you told us your name was Pat.

To top it all off, when we arrived and you told us there were no rooms available, you said it with a laugh and a smile. Which made us want to punch you in the face.

Grrr,
r

2010-03-22T23:02:00.002-04:00

Dear National Museum of Laos,

I know the guide book said you gave a thorough history of Laos but I thought that meant maybe some background about pre-Independence struggles and whatnot. But man, they really meant thorough!

Thanks for teaching me about dinosaurs and the origin of man.

Love,
r

2010-03-22T22:58:00.002-04:00

Dear Andre James,

Sorry for the late night Skype call. I was trying to remember my dad's phone number (which I haven't called for over 2 years-- so cut me a break!). Turns out, I dialed my old cell phone number instead. Which seems to be YOUR number now (Jealous! I miss that number).

Hope you love 2 a.m. wake up calls and confused breathing in your voice mailbox,
r

2010-03-22T11:41:00.002-04:00

Dear Taxi we hired to take us across the border,

Way to kick someone while they're down. And by "kick" I mean "take advantage" and by "down" I mean "too tired to react quickly to fishy situations."

It's like everyone in Southeast Asia has shared the secret that the only time I'm not travel-savvy is when I haven't slept in over 24 hours.

I want my 15 bucks back,
r

P.S. Yea, I know that doesn't sound like a lot of money. But bitch, I just got robbed.

2010-03-18T00:53:00.004-04:00

Dear Baby Tigers,

Never grow up! You are TOO CUTE!

Love you forever and ever and ever and ever (until you're old and big and ugly),
r

P.S. If you want to come home with me, I don't think I'd mind.

Look how cute!!!!!!!!!!!!:

2010-03-18T00:41:00.002-04:00

Dear Money Belt,

We really had quite the history didn't we? We get together, we break up, we get together, we break up. I left you TWICE and you kept coming back to me. (If I learned anything from the 2002 Christina Agiulera hit "What A Girl Wants"-- and I'm pretty sure I did-- "If it comes back it's yours, that's how you know it's for keeps, yeah, it's for sure." Right, Xtina?)

But alas no. You've left me for good it seems this time. I hope you enjoy hanging out with my soap dish lid (and my neck pillow!-- god, I miss that thing).

Goodbye forever,
r

2010-03-16T08:10:00.002-04:00

Dear Boots Pharmacy,

Your Nit Comb SUCKS. You should call it a... Nothing Comb. Because that's what your "fine toothed" comb picks up. Absolutely nothing.

And yea, it's hard to be witty when your head itches this much. So Nothing Comb is the best I could do.

Deal,
r

2010-03-16T08:01:00.005-04:00

Dear Seafood Restaurant,

I'm always up for trying new things. Which is why when I saw a horshoe crab on your table of fresh seafood I gave it a go. It didn't look so bad when it still looked like this:

Turns out? It was the most barf-inducing meal I've ever had. The first clue was when it came out looking like this:

Which should have warned me that it was going to taste like this:

If you gave me a choice between taking another bite of that and voluntarily re-infesting my head with lice-- I would choose the latter. Yes, it was that gross. Just thinking about it makes me want to vom.

GROSS,
r

2010-03-09T04:18:00.003-05:00

Dear Theif,

Preeeetty ballsyyy of you to come into the bungalow and snatch our stuff while we were all still in there sleeping! But also, I'm confused. I can understand why you stole all my US dollars and my friend's wallet. I CAN'T understand why you stole my head lice comb, my toiletries bag, and the LID to my travel soap dish.

So so confused,
r

2010-03-09T04:11:00.002-05:00

Dear Life,

You really know how to sock it to someone. First I get the most heinous head lice infestation ever (SUPER gross). Then someone comes into my bungalow while I'm sleeping and steals all my US dollars. (AND my head lice comb that I JUST bought!)

To top it off, I had to go to the police station in just a sarong because ALL my clothes were being boiled to get rid of the lice.

And it turns out, policemen don't take girls in sarongs too seriously.

You blow today,
r

2010-03-09T04:05:00.002-05:00

Dear Translator at the Police Station,

Remember when you asked us if we understood any Thai? And we said "No, why? Are all the policemen talking about us?" and you said yes and then laughed? I think you really know how to make reporting a robbery a more enjoyable experience... And by "a more enjoyable experience" I mean "blow."

Gah,
r

2010-03-09T03:46:00.002-05:00

Dear Thailand,

I realize that you're called "The Land of Smiles" but when someone is in a police station reporting a robbery I think it's time to be "The Land of Taking Things Seriously and Getting Down to Business."

Thanks,
r

2010-03-07T22:05:00.003-05:00

Dear Some guy I met at the bar,

I have NO idea what you were saying to me last night. I couldn't hear a single word over the music. (Also, who whispers in a loud bar!?) But if it was anything as clever as the t-shirt you were wearing (which was a "Starbucks Coffee" t-shirt but said "STARFUCKS FOFREE" instead)...

I can only imagine the words of wisdom I must have missed from you.

You're gross,
r

2010-03-07T22:02:00.002-05:00

Dear Every Girl/Guy at that club last night,

Sorry for slapping your asses while you weren't looking and then turning around and pretending it wasn't me. I guess it's my new dance move.

Also, don't pretend you didn't love it!

Love,
r

2010-03-04T04:28:00.001-05:00

Dear BBC Weather Discomfort Index,

Turns out you were right. I've never sweat this much in my entire life. At any given moment it looks like I've just stepped out of a pool.

Uuuugh,
r

2010-03-04T04:21:00.002-05:00

Dear Bathing Suit Top,

Thanks for breaking (twice) while I was playing with adorable, small Thai babies. Real appropriate.

Smell ya later,
r

2010-03-02T22:56:00.001-05:00

Dear Thailand,

There's nothing like a country full of tiny, skinny Asian people to make you feel like you're in the best shape of your life. And by "best shape of your life" I mean "like a fat ass."

Thanks,
r

2010-03-02T22:48:00.002-05:00

Dear Self,

You lost your passport twice in 30 days! TWICE! Maybe you should stop hiding your money belt in funny places in your hotel room. The only person you seem to be successfully hiding it from is yourself. You're lucky that very honest people have found it both times.

Lesson learned (?),
r

2010-03-02T11:38:00.003-05:00

Dear Tourist who bent over in front of my face,

Gross. It looks like you were smuggling a poodle in your ass crack. The way I see it you have three options: A.) Shave it; B.) Wear a unitard; C.) Never bend over ever again. EVER.

Optimal solution: ALL OF THE ABOVE.

You need to see a groomer,
r

P.S. I hope the girl you were with knows what she's getting herself into.

2010-02-25T05:43:00.003-05:00

Dear Thai Massage,

At any given moment I was either in pain or being tickled. I don't think that's what massages are supposed to be like. Or maybe it just turns out I don't like massages very much, hm?

I know I've never had a legit massage before but here's a tip: I don't think people are paying you to punch them multiple times in the back and dig your elbow into their quad. I had flashbacks to when my brother used to beat me up. That can't be what you were going for.

Don't think I'll be seeing you again,
r

2010-02-25T05:37:00.004-05:00

Dear Motorcycle Taxi,

You were terrifying!!! But I think I did pretty well for my first time on a motorcycle. Don't you think?! (Sorry for holding on so tight with my legs.) One question though: How come you get a helmet and I don't? Doesn't seem fair.

Eh?
r

2010-02-24T08:26:00.002-05:00

Dear BBC Weather,

I've got a bone to pick with you. I'm NOT a fan of your online "Discomfort Index." Mostly because you only give me two options for every single country I'm going to in Southeast Asia during the months of March and April: "High Discomfort" and "Extreme Discomfort." You really know how to make traveling seem like it's going to suck.

Thanks a lot, jerk,
r

2010-02-24T08:25:00.001-05:00

Dear Thailand,

Nice to meet you! I LOVE your cuisine. Please don't make me obese. I've got beaches to go to.

Love,
r

2010-02-24T08:13:00.002-05:00

Dear India,

Goodbye! Things I'll miss (or not miss) about you:

- how you can make a 2 lane road into a 4 lane highway
- tiny, tiny pedestrian alleys crammed with people, motorcycles, stray dogs, cows, street vendors, feces... the list goes on
- the smell of fish drying in the sun
- people pooping on the train tracks as we go by
- small children saying "Hey sexy" at train stations
- men spitting red paan juice on every street corner
- that head waggle that your citizens are so good at
- sketchy, adulterous, aggressively spooning Couchsurfers
- elephants walking down the highway
- people asking to take photographs with them or with their children
- men who stare
- people who give directions to you even though they actually have no idea how to get to the place you're going, just because they want to help
- 34 hour train rides with entire 10 member families in your cabin
- 17 year olds who think they can date ladies between the ages of 24 and 30
- families who support their 17 year old's decision to go for it
- big expensive signs on buildings that have massively incorrect spellings
- the world's largest guide book
- falooda
- actually, ALL food...

Anyway, my point is: Thanks, India. You were a blast.

Love,
r

2010-02-19T01:00:00.003-05:00

Dear Sink in Restaurant,

You really know how to choose the least convenient time to stop working. Right after I got my hands all sudsed up.

Thanks a lot,
r

Dear Pants,

If I wipe my sudsy hands on you does that mean you've technically been washed?

My vote is yes,
r

2010-02-19T00:56:00.002-05:00

Dear Nokia Phone/Snake Game,

You really know how to entertain a gal on a 35 hour train ride. Thanks for always being there for me.

But also, I maybe never want to see you again. At the very least I'm gonna need a break.

Hope you understand,
r

P.S. After 35 hours of playing you'd think I'd be able to get a score better than 600. But apparently not.

2010-02-19T00:43:00.002-05:00

Dear 35 Hour Train Ride,

You really know how eff with someone's mind. You would stop at some stations for 30 seconds and others for 30 minutes but I could never tell if it was going to be a long stop or a short stop.

There was no warning signal when the train was leaving the station or anything, it would just go.

And yet, somehow, all the Indians seemed to be fine with getting off and on the train at each stop. Probably because they know how to run and jump on a moving train. I, on the other hand, do not.

End result? For 35 hours I was terrified of stepping off the train for fear of being left behind. Second end result? God, I was so hungry.

Hope we don't meet again,
r

2010-02-19T00:37:00.003-05:00

Dear Waiter,

When we told you a mouse practically crawled across our lap at lunch,the proper response is NOT to laugh and say "You like mice?" In a cage when they're running their little legs off around a wheel? Maybe. Around my FOOD? No.

Gross,
r

2010-02-19T00:28:00.002-05:00

Dear Self,

Your hair smells like smoke. Which would be less gross if I didn't know it was from being around burning dead people on the Ganges River.

Yuck,
r

2010-02-19T00:27:00.002-05:00

Dear India,

Your creative spellings of things keeps me constantly entertained. My newest favorite? The "Ledise" toilet. Sorry "Coffage Chose," you just got bumped from number one.

Lovin' it,
r

2010-02-19T00:24:00.001-05:00

Dear Self,

Remember how you used to look at those Indian bangles and think they looked silly on anyone who wasn't Indian? You sure changed your tune. You're a bangle fiend- the proud owner of three different sets of bangles!!

Lookin' gooooood,
r

2010-02-18T23:42:00.002-05:00

Dear Grad School,

I know I only have a tentative grasp on the English language these days but... please accept me.

I'm not above begging,
r

2010-02-08T00:55:00.002-05:00

Dear Ayurvedic Body Treatment,

I thought you were going to resemble a massage. But you more closely resembled a full body rub down with something that may or may not have been peanut oil.

I must say, it's a little weird to have someone vigorously pet you for 50 minutes.

Actually.. really weird,
r

2010-02-08T00:36:00.002-05:00

Dear Fanciest Mall I've Ever Seen,

You have marble floors and stores that sell fine china and fancy chocolates with gold leaf decals. And me? I keep my $3 sunglasses in a sock I got for free on my last plane ride. We're just from different worlds.

I think we should see other people,
r

2010-02-05T00:46:00.003-05:00

Dear Bollywood,

I KNEW you'd come crawling back! (Ok, so there was very little crawling involved except for maybe from my side. But still...) Thanks for the 5 second close up. I think I was a pretty convincing shopper. It looks like I really wanted to buy that dress. I didn't. That's called acting!

You're welcome,
r

Dear Everyone,

The movie is called Knockout. You should probably go pre-order it on Amazon.

Love,
r

2010-02-05T00:42:00.002-05:00

Dear Next Hotel Room We Found,

Really excited about your walls. Even though they're only a little more than 5 feet high and the ceiling touched our heads. Still a marked improvement from the last place.

Now all you need is windows. That shit felt like I was sleeping in a coffin. And I could feel the mildew spores entering my lungs by the second. But still, you had walls, which is apparently all we need.

So thanks,
r

2010-02-05T00:35:00.002-05:00

Dear One-legged Man,

Thanks for leading us around town in search of a cheap hotel room. Unfortunately we're gonna have to go ahead and turn the one you showed us down. On account of the fact that it had no walls. (Ok, it had half walls.)

To be fair though when we told the hotel workers that we were going to find a place where the ceiling actually touched the walls so people couldn't climb into our room, although most the staff insisted no one would climb over the walls, one honest staffer said "Yea, it's true."

But thanks for trying,
r

2010-02-05T00:33:00.002-05:00

Dear Coffee Shop,

I think it's unfair (and cruel) to have pictures of tasty tasty bagels all over your menu if you don't actually SELL those tasty tasty bagels. Especially after my heart was broken by that "omelette" this morning.

There's no winning when it comes to breakfast here,
r

2010-02-05T00:06:00.002-05:00

Dear Breakfast Place,

I don't think you're allowed to advertise something as an "omelette" if it has exactly ZERO eggs in it. I don't even know what you should call that thing. Savoury bread paper with tomato bits?

Unsatisfied,
r

2010-01-29T23:57:00.003-05:00

Dear Elephant bathing in the river today,

You know what I like about you? You didn't try to rip me off. I watched your bath like all the other tourists and you didn't hold out your greedy little trunk asking for more rupees.

Kudos to you!
r

2010-01-29T23:46:00.002-05:00

Dear Man who finally unlocked the door to let me out of the room,

Your English wasn't so great either. But you finally got the gist. But more importantly, you were mostly just creepy. "Will you be nice to me?" Umm, yes? "Will you be MORE than nice to me?" UGH, can't you just let me out please?!!?

Shudder,
r

2010-01-29T23:43:00.002-05:00

Dear Jill,

Thanks for locking me into the room yesterday. I really loved having to yell "HELLOOOO?!" out our tiny little window, finally catching the attention of someone a couple houses down, asking him to unlock our door from the outside, only to have him say yes with a little chuckle... and walk away. Turns out, he didn't speak English.

So thanks,
r

2010-01-25T02:31:00.003-05:00

Dear Lady sitting at a desk,

I popped my head in to ask you where the nearest doctor was and you told me to sit down and asked me what the problem was. WHO ARE YOU? Are you a doctor? You're wearing a stethoscope which has gotta be a good sign, right? (My thoughts? What the hell, let's go for it.)

But you seem to be lacking a couple other things. Like any sort of medical knowledge. When I told you I thought my tonsilitis (which I had a bad case of last week) was coming back you told me to drink cold water.

You make Dr. Milton seem like an expert in his field.

Til next time,
r

2010-01-20T01:33:00.002-05:00

Dear Bartender,

I LOVE YOU. Not only because you kept those strawberry daiquiris coming all happy hour long. But also because when I only had a single dollar left but still wanted one more, you obliged. A daiquiri for a dollar! Thanks, man.

You're the best,
r