Dear Rwandan Soldier,

I know if we run into some of those man-eating buffaloes I'm going to be really grateful that you're carrying that giant ass gun. But in the mean time, while you're slipping and sliding through the mud and falling on your butt while hiking down this steep volcano, it makes me a little nervous. I hope that shit has the safety lock on.

-r

Dear Kenyans,

If I had known how many compliments I was going to get after I bought fake hair and braided my entire head I would have done it directly upon landing!

Not only do you LOVE my new hairstyle but all of a sudden you also "very much like my figure" and think I am as beautiful as the Rachel in the Bible (who you tell me also has a very nice figure).

If only I didn't know that "nice figure" here means that I've gained weight...

But I'll take what I can get,
r

Dear Fellow Maasai Mara Tourists,

I don't remember being the one to suggest we lay on the ground to look at the stars (although after playing two games of Kings and Never Have I Ever I'm not surprised by my foggy memory)... but I am prepared to take full responsibility for the decision.

To be fair, it would have been an awesome idea... if we hadn't laid on top of a Safari Ant hill.

Look at it this way: Three full days of game drives and only one minor wild life attack. Success!

-r

Dear Clinic,

Are we using orphans as paper now? Taking "resource poor" to a whole new level here...

-r

Dear Reader,

Wonder how Americans in Kenya celebrate 4th of July?


They make Obama Burgers and freedom fries...

and re-label Tuskers as Budweisers and Natty Lights...

and make Kenyans stand next to Obama setenges. 

And they eat until they feel like throwing up. (No picture available.)

-r

Dear Small boy who followed me on my walk,

I guess maybe you thought I was in a hurry to get somewhere awesome. The look on your face when I suddenly turned around in the middle of nowhere after 4km...

Normally I'd say you're welcome for the exercise. But I'm not gonna lie, you look like you've exercised enough.

-r

P.S. When I watched you walk away from me I noticed this one small thing: you have a hole in the back of your shorts. A hole the size of your entire right butt cheek. You may already be aware (due to the draftiness). But I just wanted to let you know. Just in case. 

Dear Kenyan Grandmother,

Remember when I put lotion on my face and chapstick on my lips and then rode in the back of a truck on a dusty road and got that shiz stuck all over my face? And then remember when you rubbed all of the dirt off by manhandling my entire face with the fabric of your skirt? Like you were rubbing food off the face of a one-year old child that hasn't quite learned where their mouth is yet.

I kind of loved it,
r

Dear America,

Thank you for giving me an excuse to eat until I felt like barfing.

Until next year,
r

Dear America,

I hope you don't mind sharing your special day. Because in addition to celebrating the 4th of July as your birthday, I will now always and forever also remember this day as:

The Day I Did a Wheelie on a Motorcycle With Three People On It.



Love,
r

Dear Local Bookstore,

I'm glad that you are trying to encourage reading... but advertising "delicious books" in your window may be sending the wrong message.

Books are friends, not food.

-r

Dear 3-year old girl,

I generally think you kids are pretty cute. Especially when you guys run up to me with your adorable little laughs and smiles and try to hold my hand. But YOU... you have dried snot all over your face and your hand is mysteriously wet. You're not one of the cute ones.

Sorry,
r

Dear Girl who came into the clinic fully covered in small bumps,

It's not that I don't feel bad for you. I really do. But until that shit is diagnosed as NOT CONTAGIOUS please don't touch my things. In the meantime:

Feel better,
r

P.S. I did enjoy dancing with you while you waited for the nurse. From afar. Very afar. 

Dear Self,

You WOULD drop the keys to the clinic down the pit latrine.

I wish I could pretend I didn't know you.

-r

Dear Monkey that STOLE my peas DIRECTLY OUT OF MY HANDS, 

You WERE adorable. Until you start baring your teeth and stealing my food WHILE I am in the middle of eating it. Now we are enemies. 

Game on, 

r

Dear Chicken I ate for dinner last night,

Sorry my American friend tried to cut your head off with the wrong edge of the knife. It was a learning experience that took longer than it should have. 

But on the plus side: you were delicious,
r