Dear Girl who pooped her pants in my class yesterday,

That's what you get for cutting your own bangs! No, just kidding. I'm sorry, gosh that's traumatizing for a 5th grader. And now look, I've just told everyone about it also, which I'm sure doesn't help your situation.

But listen, my point is this: Why does everyone who poops their pants call me into the bathroom to help them? This is the SECOND time this has happened to me. That blind, mentally challenged woman who always asked to be seated in my section... and now you.

You're lucky I like you (A LOT more than that blind lady),
r