Dear Host Ma,

You know what I really like to hear? "You've gained a lot of weight since this picture." Can't get enough of that! So thanks.

I was in the 9th grade in that picture and playing three sports. As opposed to now when you feed me giant meals with fatty meats cooked in vats of oil and then take me out to coffee and buy me THREE desserts.

Get off me,
r

P.S. I'm not complaining. Those desserts are delish! Keep them coming. Just stop commenting on my expanding midsection.