Dear Computer next to the one I'm using right now,

I know you're probably a bajillion203948203948 times faster than this one. (I'm basing that on the fact that it looks like you weren't mass produced in 1982 like this one does.) And honestly I'm really tempted to switch over (it took about 3 minutes to type this sentence). But I saw some lady using you to Google "Scabies" yesterday and I don't wanna eff around with that shit.

No hard feelings, k?
r

P.S. I haven't told anyone else about your possible contamination. That way you won't be ignored and my slow computer is always free. Win-win!!