Dear Planet Fitness,

I'm a little creeped out. Both by the speed of your comment. And also the existence of it in general. Do you get notified every time a lowly blog mentions your name?

Can you give me a discount?
r

Dear Planet Fitness,

Nice to join your team of gym-goers! Well, I HALF joined.... Ok, let's just say when I visited you the other day I expressed some very strong interest in joining.

That's a good first step, right?!

See you again soon?
r

Dear Commuters of America,

Get off the highway! Here I come! For the first time in 3 years... I will be driving on a U.S. highway.

Seriously, be careful.

Love,
r



Dear County Cops and State Troopers,

Pleeeease cut me some slack. I'm trying so so hard!

Love,
r

Dear Heinously large/LOUD bug in my room last night,

You were silent for the first 30 minutes I was in bed and then RIGHT as I was about to fall asleep you start BUZZING around! And incidentally, your buzzing sounds a lot like my phone vibrating so I kept waking up to check it. Then back to sleep again. Then buzz again. Sleep. Buzz. Sleep. Buzz. Sleepbuzzsleepbuzzzz.

You know what I have to say to you, Mister?!!? I love you. I could just close my eyes and feel like I was in Namibia all over again.

Thanks for the throwback,
r

Dear 90-year old man,

Are we wearing the same shoes?! This is NOT good. The worst part? I have to wear these Shape-ups for at least the next 10 years of my life to get every penny out of them. Who pays that much for HEINOUS sneakers?! (And when I say "pay" I mean both in dollars and in pride.)

Just me,
r

Dear Self,

Write less about tampons.

You're in America now. There are boundaries. Etiquette. Appropriate and inappropriate things to talk about. You're probably not so aware of any of these things. You should Google it.

Love,
r

Dear Male friend,

When your mom comes downstairs at 3 in the morning to yell at you for being too loud-- that is NOT the right time to ask her if she has a tampon your friend can use.

But thanks for trying,
r

Dear Girl I met in the bathroom last night,

Remember when I asked you for a tampon and in response you told me your life story? And then tried to give me a condom?

NOT helpful, nor interesting.

Thanks for nothing,
r

Dear Skechers Shape-ups,

I don't feel like I'm having a mini-workout every time I wear you. You're supposed to simulate walking on sand? I WALKED ON REAL SAND FOR TWO YEARS, BITCH!

This shit's bogus,
r

Dear Parents,

WHEN DID YOU STOP CONSUMING A NORMAL AMOUNT OF FOOD?! We have NO food in our house. You're making it very hard to break my Cracklin' Oat Bran habit.

A bowl of lettuce does NOT count as a full lunch.

I'm so hungry,
r

Dear Future Employer,

First of all, that application was WAY INTENSE considering I'm only applying to be a server! I didn't know there was going to be a pop quiz.

Second of all, not even GOOGLE knows what "french spooning" is! I'm not entirely convinced you didn't make it up. But also, I think considering I had no idea what it is, I answered the question prrretty well!

My answer looked something like this:



Hire me anyway?

Kthanks,
r

Dear Mom,

I was just going through all the crap that you've put in my old room while I've been gone for the past two+ years-- and guess what I found buried under everything, all crumpled and wrinkled. My college diploma.

It looks like I graduated from Homeless University.

Thanks,
r

Dear Self,

I know you LOVE Cracklin' Oat Bran cereal. And that you haven't had it ONCE in the past 2.5 years. But that doesn't mean you can eat it for THREE MEALS A DAY. Today's the last day, ok?

Love,
r

P.S. Ok, TOMORROW'S the last day. Saturday at the very latest. Monday? We'll play it by ear.

Dear Wedding Bartender,

Thanks for serving me! I would have understood if you didn't. Seeing as when you asked how old I was my response was "Um, 21! No wait! 24!" And I didn't have any id on me. More than a little suspicious, I'd say. (For the record, I AM of legal drinking age.)

But thanks for the trust, old man.

'Preciate it,
r

Dear Monkey Bar,

Thank you for hosting the push-up competition that took place on your premises. I did THREE TIMES as many push-ups as I thought I could do. (Read: I thought I could only do one push-up, and I did THREE!)

And I promise, next time I challenge my brother to a push-up competition (that I will obviously lose-- he did 50), I'll try to arrange the event NOT in the middle of your bar.

Thanks for being a good sport,
r